People I Want To Be

This is just a list of females I want to be more than myself.

1. Lea Michele

She's GORGEOUS. I want to be her more than words can describe. Not only is she the most beautiful woman in the world (in my opinion), but she's got a set of pipes on her! WHEW! And she's an AMAZING actress. She's basically living all of my dreams out every single day. I'm a little obsessed with her in case you couldn't tell...

2. Lady Gaga

Again with the amazing voice. She just astounds me. Every facet of her is art to me. Her fashion, although eccentric, is a statement every time she goes out ANYWHERE. Her music is wonderful, her performances glorious. Everything about her is outrageous and full of beauty.

3. Camille Caparas

First off, sorry if it creeps you out that I stole this off your Facebook, Camille. I think this chick is the coolest person I know. Seriously. I want to be her because she is AMAZING. I'm basically astounded every time she talks to me that anyone that awesome would want to be my friend. I think she's hilarious and brilliant. She's witty and pretty and she likes English and grammar. She crochets like a beast and she's the fugging mayor of Muddy's!!!! She always does AWESOME things when I hang out with her like draw giant, rapping babies on receipts for waiters or crochet giant cupcakes. The best part about her is that she doesn't have ANY idea how awesome she is and that she's ALWAYS there for me. If I was her... I would probably just die because I would be so awesome.

4. Kelly Latiolais

Again, sorry with the Facebook creeping, I needed to find one that represented her awesome. I basically think this chick is perfect. Thankfully, I get to be around her ALL THE TIME 'cause she's my best friend. She's super gorgeous and she doesn't even know it. And she's fucking HILARIOUS. I don't know if I've ever hung out with her and NOT laughed. She has boss art skillz and good taste in music. The best part is that I can act like a total freak around her and talk about the most random shiz and it only makes her love me MORE.

5. Demi Lovato

I have a thing for musical talent and she's got it. She's super adorable/gorgeous and she's just plain cute! I heard her sing the national anthem once (yes, it was a YouTube video) and I was almost brought to tears. It was gorgeous. She's got a kickass job. I think it would bad-ass to work for Disney in any capacity! She's a great actress, a great singer, and she's beautiful. What more can you want?

Love Songs

So I'm alone.

Big surprise there.

I'm not happy about it in the slightest. I've just come to terms with it. Seriously. That's all that's happened. I've just accepted that I'm going to be alone for a while and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm done obsessing over it.

...

That's not to say that I won't think about my solitude all the goddamn time. And I mean ALL the time. I'm just not going to actively think about it. That can work, right?

It just makes me sad because I never fully understand love songs or passionate kiss scenes in movies. I don't really get the plot lines of chick flicks because I have no idea what that's like. What it's like for someone to like you back, to want to be with you. It must be nice. That's what always gets me the most about being alone, the fact that I feel like no one wants me. That's a perpetual feeling, though. It happens with my friendships, too. I just feel like I'm not wanted ALL THE TIME. I'm sure that gets annoying but I just can't help it!

No one feels as passionately about me as I feel about them. I fall hard for people, friendships or crushes. I fall hard, and I fall fast. The other party just never falls as hard or as fast, and I'm stuck there waiting for them to get to a place that they never will. I know this is going to sound really cliche, (but when am I not cliche) but I just care too much.

The point of this post, I suppose, is just me realizing that I'm alone and that I'm giving up, basically. Is that sad? I'm just not going to put any effort into finding someone because it does nothing but wastes my time because NO ONE EVER LIKES ME BACK. Let me tell you, pretty girls, it is incredibly frustrating!

So here's to the (unwanted) single life!

Roommates

It's been a looooong time since I've been on here. Since then, I moved out of my parent's house and into a rental property of my own. Things are.....going. I don't want to say they're terrible and I don't want to say they're great. I'm happy, I guess.

I'm living with my two best friends, which should be perfect.

It's not.

They basically hate each other. Well, I mean, they don't really hate each other but I always feel a tension between the two.

I hate being the mediator and that's exactly what I am. I just hate conflict in general and there sure it a lot of it. That's why I clean everything and do everything, I don't want one of my roommates to think I'm nagging him or anything so I'd rather just do it myself to avoid anger.
I wish I didn't let him walk all over me because, sadly, I know that's what he's doing. I can't help it though, that's my nature.
The part that bothers me is that he knows that. (He is supposed to be my best friend after all). It makes me think that if he really was my best friend, he wouldn't take advantage of my weakness. But that's the kind of person he is. That really makes him sound horrible. People say he's selfish, but I don't think so. But reflecting on this makes me think that other people might be right... I don't know. I tend to see the good in people.

He has done some things that just aren't okay by any stretch of the imagination. His main problem is that he has trouble taking responsibility, either for his actions or the actions of those he is responsible for. That really pisses me off. But, sadly, I won't voice my opinions because of the whole "avoidance of conflict" thing.

I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I can't even get help from my other roommate because he's all the way across the pond in jolly old England! All of my friends are willing to help but I just don't want to drag them into this too. I also don't want to have to let my good roommate do all the confronting. I really just want to get some balls and be able to do it myself. The problem is that I just don't see that happening any time soon, or any time ever for that matter.

Sigh, what to do, what to do... Hopefully, I'll think of something.
Sorry this was all just useless rambling.

Can I do anything right?

No.

The answer is no.

I can't even fucking follow my dreams correctly.

Glee auditions are closed. The extension was only for voting. Why couldn't I have just recorded on my damn laptop? Why did I have to want to wait for the mic? Now I don't get a chance at all. And it's all my fucking fault. I put other useless shit over my dreams. Fuck me.

I can't write a paper. I know everything I've been turning in lately sucks. It's horrible. I don't try. I don't want to try. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. Any of it school wise. I shut off a while ago I think. I don't have the motivation. I was on the track to get straight A's. So much for that.

I can't function in society at all. I know people tolerate me. I'm not worth their time in the first place because I'm so fucking awkward. I'm done trying to fit in.

I'm just done trying.

Trying isn't getting me anywhere since all I do is fail.

That's it.

Empty

Have you ever felt empty? Like, you're just some shell of a person with nothing inside, just going through the motions of life. I feel like that right now. Like a robot almost. Just going through the motions with no feelings for anything.

I don't know if I think this is a bad thing, though. If you go through life without feeling then you never get hurt. Wouldn't it be nice to not feel pain? I sure think so. Emotion pain is the pits.

I feel like an empty cup. Or just the word "empty" in general. That's the first thing that would come to mind if someone were to ask me to describe how I'm feeling. It's an interesting emotion, let me tell you that. I feel like I'm missing this huge part of my life but I don't know what it is. That really terrifies me. I don't know what I'm missing in my life but I know there's something.

I also feel like everything that I've been doing is a waste. That sounds harsh... Allow me to spin a giant web of metaphor for you right here. I feel like I was a cup, full of stuff, packed to the brim. And I was happy. All of the sudden, it feels like my cup is completely empty, like it was never full. Does that make sense?

So until I find out what my cup is supposed to be filled with, I guess I'll just have to hold on.

Empty.

Top Ten Fears

I saw a friend do this on their blog, so I decided to do one on my blog. Yay for originality!

This is going to be a list of my top ten biggest fears from least to greatest.

10. The 'Real World'

The post college world scares the shit out of me. I don't want to have to deal with a real life! Especially not by myself (see number 1 top fear)! Having to make decisions is scary. One wrong one could ruin your life. What if I make a fatal mistake? That's why I'm staying in school as long as possible.

9. The Rapture or just my death in general

How scary is it to think that there will be an end to the world? I know I'm not ready to go. And since I'm a Christian I'm supposed to believe that Jesus will come to take me back up into Heaven if I was good enough. What if I wasn't good enough? What then? Just thinking that my life could end tomorrow is making my stomach turn. You hear all these stories from 9/11 talking about how the last words of a couple were fighting words. What if someone I love and I had left in a fight? What if they don't know how much I love and care about them? I don't want to die with regrets.

8. Loss of a sense of security

I dislike change in general. Losing anything that I consider to be secure (my house, my parent's marriage, cars, other possessions that signal that we're doing okay) is horrid. My family has been through a lot recently and if any more of these things go, I just might lose it.

7. Being attacked/raped

This one is pretty obvious. People take advantage of me all the time... I just pray to God that it's not in this way.

6. Cancer or other deadly diseases

Pain is scary. Any type of it. But the thought of being in pain all the time scares the hell out of me. Especially if there is no cure. I guess this scares me a lot because I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with having to have hope.

5. Disasters in general

How scary is it to think of being in a hurricane; earthquake; volcano; tornado; tsunami; fire; meteor crash; Lea Michele/Lady GaGa's death; etc.? I mean seriously. What would you do? Thankfully I don't live close to water or volcanos so those are out of the question. Disasters always end badly for someone. I can't imagine being there after Katrina or any of the other numerous disasters that have happened lately. Imagine losing everything- loved ones, your house, all your belongings- in a snap. I can't bear it.

4. Being dirty

I hate hate hate being dirty. Dirty things just scare the crap out of me. I am terrified of germs of any kind. I sanitize EVERYTHING. It's pretty disturbing. I don't like nature because it's dirty. I don't like painting that much because it's dirty. Not showering is just nasty. I have to shower. And I always have to have my hand sanitizer. I think this fear has a big part to do with my OCD. That's one thing I obsess over, being clean.

3. Cockroaches

Oh. My. Gosh. Don't even get me started on these motherfuckers. They can live WITHOUT HEADS. And they are just plain DISGUSTING. Have you ever looked at one? Blegh. I panic if there is one ANYWHERE near me. I'm talking in the same house. Even the mention of one can give me a panic attack if I think about it too much. I'm not over reacting when I say panic attack. I'm talking full blown increased breathing and heart rate, near tears, inability to do anything, panic attack. *Shudders*

2. Losing Johnny

I've lost best friends before. If I lose my 2:10, I seriously don't know how I'm going to go on. Johnny, I know you're going to read this and I know you're going to tell me that I have nothing to worry about. People change, times change, people grow apart. What if we do? People say that we're going to all the time. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I have no idea how I got on with him before and I don't know if I'll ever be able to live without him. And don't EVEN get me started on him dying...

1. Being alone for the rest of my life.

It seems like every single say that goes by this becomes more plausible. What if I never find anyone? Everyone wants to find love and I am terrified that no one will ever want me. I've never been kissed now... and it terrifies me that I never will be. Just thinking about this makes me want to cry or throw myself off of a bridge (or even both simultaneously). I personally find myself repulsive and as history has show, so does everyone else. This is my number one fear because it's already starting to happen.

The Beginning of the End

What a night. I can't say anything other than that. So much has happened lately that I feel like I haven't had a chance to really take a step back and examine my life. I can't believe that the school year, my first year of college, is almost over! I only have three more years in this place and what have a done to make a name for myself? In the words of Rachel Berry, "Look, I know I'm just a sophomore [freshman], but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school [college] with nothing to show for it." You knew I would quote Glee, why else would you read my blog? :) So next year I'm planning on kicking it up a notch, big time. How? SGA baby! And GSA, Honor's Program, Peer Counseling, Psychology Club (And then hopefully Psi Chi), and doing a shit ton of research. I'm going to be one busy girl... It'll all be worth it though. When I fill out that grad school application I know I'm going to be confident that I'll get into the school of my choice. Now I just have to figure out what I want to do with my life and then I'll be able to pick that school...

Also, I've been thinking more about the whole boyfriend thing. Yeah, that's back again. I'm CONSTANTLY reminded that I'm single. It's like every single freakin' day, every single freakin' thing reminds me that I'm alone. The crazy part is, most of me says it's not a big deal at all. Is that a bad thing? I think it kind of scares me. What is wrong with me? Why don't I want a relationship? Shouldn't I be trying to find someone by now? The other part of me however, it hurting every single day, every single time that I'm reminded of this fact. Everyone wants to feel wanted, and most days, I just don't. [Sorry. No emo. I'm trying to make this an emo-free zone.] Every girl wants to hear that they're pretty. It's a simple fact. Being wanted is a necessity of life. I'm not kidding with you. Having companionship (unless you're a psychopath) is a basic human need. Some days I feel so desperate to just go out and meet someone that I considering doing just that- hooking up with random guys. I mean, this is a totally theoretical situation because there are no guys out there that want to make out with me. Or at least there are none that make it known... But thankfully the bigger part keeps me in check and makes me remember that I want to save that. It is very, VERY, VERY difficult to tune out the other voice in my head, the negative one. I just realized that I must sound schizophrenic right now. I promise I'm not. My thoughts are just narrated by different people, especially when they are arguing. ANYWHO. I think I'm done talking now. It is also 2:37 in the morning as I type this on a school night and I have yet to do any of my homework. (KARAOKE FTW!)

I promise to start posting more frequently!

And random formspring creeper, if you're reading this, although I think it's creepy sometimes, I really like hearing that I'm pretty. :)

And for those of you wondering what I'm talking about, my formspring link is right to the side...

:DDD