Top Ten Fears

I saw a friend do this on their blog, so I decided to do one on my blog. Yay for originality!

This is going to be a list of my top ten biggest fears from least to greatest.

10. The 'Real World'

The post college world scares the shit out of me. I don't want to have to deal with a real life! Especially not by myself (see number 1 top fear)! Having to make decisions is scary. One wrong one could ruin your life. What if I make a fatal mistake? That's why I'm staying in school as long as possible.

9. The Rapture or just my death in general

How scary is it to think that there will be an end to the world? I know I'm not ready to go. And since I'm a Christian I'm supposed to believe that Jesus will come to take me back up into Heaven if I was good enough. What if I wasn't good enough? What then? Just thinking that my life could end tomorrow is making my stomach turn. You hear all these stories from 9/11 talking about how the last words of a couple were fighting words. What if someone I love and I had left in a fight? What if they don't know how much I love and care about them? I don't want to die with regrets.

8. Loss of a sense of security

I dislike change in general. Losing anything that I consider to be secure (my house, my parent's marriage, cars, other possessions that signal that we're doing okay) is horrid. My family has been through a lot recently and if any more of these things go, I just might lose it.

7. Being attacked/raped

This one is pretty obvious. People take advantage of me all the time... I just pray to God that it's not in this way.

6. Cancer or other deadly diseases

Pain is scary. Any type of it. But the thought of being in pain all the time scares the hell out of me. Especially if there is no cure. I guess this scares me a lot because I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with having to have hope.

5. Disasters in general

How scary is it to think of being in a hurricane; earthquake; volcano; tornado; tsunami; fire; meteor crash; Lea Michele/Lady GaGa's death; etc.? I mean seriously. What would you do? Thankfully I don't live close to water or volcanos so those are out of the question. Disasters always end badly for someone. I can't imagine being there after Katrina or any of the other numerous disasters that have happened lately. Imagine losing everything- loved ones, your house, all your belongings- in a snap. I can't bear it.

4. Being dirty

I hate hate hate being dirty. Dirty things just scare the crap out of me. I am terrified of germs of any kind. I sanitize EVERYTHING. It's pretty disturbing. I don't like nature because it's dirty. I don't like painting that much because it's dirty. Not showering is just nasty. I have to shower. And I always have to have my hand sanitizer. I think this fear has a big part to do with my OCD. That's one thing I obsess over, being clean.

3. Cockroaches

Oh. My. Gosh. Don't even get me started on these motherfuckers. They can live WITHOUT HEADS. And they are just plain DISGUSTING. Have you ever looked at one? Blegh. I panic if there is one ANYWHERE near me. I'm talking in the same house. Even the mention of one can give me a panic attack if I think about it too much. I'm not over reacting when I say panic attack. I'm talking full blown increased breathing and heart rate, near tears, inability to do anything, panic attack. *Shudders*

2. Losing Johnny

I've lost best friends before. If I lose my 2:10, I seriously don't know how I'm going to go on. Johnny, I know you're going to read this and I know you're going to tell me that I have nothing to worry about. People change, times change, people grow apart. What if we do? People say that we're going to all the time. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I have no idea how I got on with him before and I don't know if I'll ever be able to live without him. And don't EVEN get me started on him dying...

1. Being alone for the rest of my life.

It seems like every single say that goes by this becomes more plausible. What if I never find anyone? Everyone wants to find love and I am terrified that no one will ever want me. I've never been kissed now... and it terrifies me that I never will be. Just thinking about this makes me want to cry or throw myself off of a bridge (or even both simultaneously). I personally find myself repulsive and as history has show, so does everyone else. This is my number one fear because it's already starting to happen.