Lies

I've just come to realize something terrible. I've been lying to myself all along. I told myself that I was happy, when the truth is I was just pretending. You know when you're little and you want to be a princess? You pretend every day in hopes that one day you'll wake up and all that you've wished for will be reality. That's what I was doing. I thought that if just maybe I faked it to myself for long enough it would become the truth. Sadly though, that isn't the case.

Granted, I am happier than I have been. Or at least I was until the stress hit.

I just can't do it. I can't handle all of this. I don't know why I thought I could. Actually, I do know why I thought I could...

I try so hard to be someone I'm just not. I can't seem to get it in my head that just because we say we're the same person, doesn't really mean we are. I don't want to be me. I want to be him. He does everything I do and then some. And he does it all better. I don't think it would bother me as much if my parents weren't always comparing me to him. Or more accurately if I wasn't always comparing myself to him... It's not his fault. I don't blame him.

I just can't do it anymore.

Any of it.

Suicidal thoughts blow. Like seriously. Don't ever have them. Now don't think I'm going to kill myself. I'm not. I just... want to... I'm going to ask now that you don't ever talk to me about this. Anyone reading. Because I will deny and delete. I would also like to say for the record that this post is probably a product of a few things including, but not limited to: tiredness, lack of depression medication, stress, lots and lots of tears, and a mental breakdown that occurred earlier today.

I don't know what to do anymore. I get these feelings all the time and don't tell anyone. Well I mean I tell people, but not as often as they occur. When I was "happy" they were still there. Just pressed deep into a back crevice of my mind. Lurking. Waiting to jump out and beat the crap out of me. That's why I didn't go tonight. Not really because of homework but because I didn't know if I would be finished crying by the time it started.

Now let's talk about crying. I cry A LOT. Anyone can tell you that. But no one ever sees my real tears. Those are reserved for when I'm driving. I guess that means that other people driving see them but that's not the point. The point is that the tears that hurt me the most I keep to myself. I shouldn't do that. It isn't healthy. I just don't know who to show them to. I've tried showing them to my mom, like I did today. I don't ever cry in front of her unless I can't contain myself. I don't because she talkes down to me when I do. Like I'm mentally deficient. She says she doesn't but that's the way I feel. And every time I come home with a problem she says the same fucking phrase that cuts me to the bone.

"Aren't you glad you stayed home freshman year?? I knew it was a good idea."

Why this hurts so much is because all the work I had been doing for however many months to prove that I was mature enough to move out was just negated. Right there. Two sentences and BAM! I'm back to having the maturity level of a high school freshman. All because I couldn't stop my fucking eyes from watering.

I feel like I have so many problems that he gets tired of hearing them. Because I really do have A LOT of problems. Everyone has a breaking point and I'm afraid I'm always putting pressure on his.

Hopefully I'll feel better after a nice long sleep and some drugs in my system. Here's to hoping...