Re-evaluating Beliefs

It really bothers me that the stupid stuff you say gets to me like this.

How can your simple "concern" lead me to have to re-evaluate my entire view on life?

If there's one thing I've always had trouble with, it is dealing with the fact that I am single. Anyone who has ever met me in my life should know this. As of late, I was finally getting to a place where I was actually okay with being single. (Hard to believe, I know.) I rationalized myself into thinking, correctly might I add, that being single doesn't have to mean that I am unhappy. Why should I let another person determine if I'm content or not? I actually think I was there. The place I thought I would never reach. I wasn't going to let the fact that I didn't have a significant other bring me down. If someone else can't see how awesome I am, I was just going to have to keep believing in that awesomeness myself until someone came along and believed it too. So there you have it. I was good. Actually good. I felt like some of the insecurity that I had was beginning to dissolve. I was on the road to finally being happy. And you; you just crushed that.

So you're "concerned" about me. But WHY? Because I'm actually moving past the petty notion that I have to have a man in my life to be complete? If college has taught me anything thus far, it is that I can't rely on anyone but myself to create my happiness. I know you may be wondering why I hadn't thought of this before. I just don't think I was mature enough to see that happiness wasn't just going to fall into my lap. It was something I was going to have to work for. The main problem with this new knowledge of mine was that I didn't know where to begin. It has been so long since I have been happy, truly happy, that I don't know what will make me happy anymore.

So back to your stupid words. You told me you were concerned about me because I wasn't actively seeking a boyfriend. You said that you were concerned that I had never had a boyfriend, been on a date, or even kissed anyone. What's wrong with that? It used to bother me. It used to just tear me apart. I was finally getting to a place in my life where I was okay. It didn't rip my heart to shreds when I thought about it. In fact, I was almost proud of myself. Of the fact that I was saving those things. Saving them for someone special. How is it that will your stupid concern that shouldn't have gotten to me at all has now brought back all of these old feelings?

You made me feel inferior. I was developing a "so what" attitude. So what if I haven't been kissed and all my friends have? It doesn't make them any better than me. But when you were "concerned" about me and my lack of experience, you made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Something horribly wrong. Is it wrong that I haven't been kissed? That no one like-likes me? You made it seem that way. Worst of all, I don't know how you expect me to fix it. And that's where you really pushed me down the metaphorical cliff. I can go after guys all I want but it's not going to happen if they don't like me. Sure, I joke about every guy I like being gay, but that's not really the case. I just choose to leave out talking about all the straight ones because it hurts too much. Rejection hurts, in case you didn't know.

But you know what the worst part of all of this is?

The fact that I let your stupid words get to me.